They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
