Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think my moral compass just broke
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
