is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
