The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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