How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
