I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
