I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
