Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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