There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
