Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
