If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
