My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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