i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
