threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
