Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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