loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
