Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
