It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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