the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
