I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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