My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
