yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
