First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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