I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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