I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
