just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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