i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The best revenge is premature balding
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
