i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
