I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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