I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
