I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
