dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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