This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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