My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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