I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
