The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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