Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
