It was confusing and full of hummus
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
