mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
