She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
