omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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