Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
