Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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