things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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