I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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