I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
