It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
