I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
