I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
