My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
