Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
