Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
