she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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