glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
