Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
