the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
