I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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