I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
