just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
