I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
