I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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